HERMIONE: Dumbledore would look favorably upon our potential couplings!
HARRY: You have pretty boobies.
HARRY/DRACO
DRACO: *vaguely racist remarks*
HARRY: *chucks DRACO out nearby window*
FANS: SUBTEXT!
HERMIONE/SNAPE
SNAPE: Granger, you are smart. I would like to use your gigantic brain, not breasts, brain, to help me with IMPORTANT POTIONS RESEARCH.
HERMIONE: Okie dokie *harpy screech*.
IMPORTANT POTIONS RESEARCH: I just destroyed all forms of Wizarding Racism, cured Lupin, and can turn any object into an adorable kitten!
HERMIONE: Professor, I'm really glad this didn't get awkward. Thank you for not trying to sleep with me!
SNAPE: The feeling is completely mutual.
BOTH: *go their separate ways*
SIRIUS/REMUS
Part the First: High School
REMUS: Boy howdy do I like having friends!
SIRIUS: *is clearly more interested in James and torturing Snape*
REMUS: Golly-gee, Lily sure is a nice girl!
Part the Second: The First War
SIRIUS: Remus, you're a werewolf, and smart and quiet and can be somewhat shifty. Also, Voldemort is possibly recruiting those like you. No offense, but it's hard to trust anyone at this point in time.
REMUS: S'alright. I can't say I don't understand, since I don't trust you either. It's the whole "I'm apart of one of the most affluent Dark Wizarding Families Evar" thing.
SIRIUS: K.
Part the Third: Thirteen to Fifteen Years Later
REMUS: Well, not much has changed. I still have a friend who is a victim, and a friend who is a traitor. Man, people suck.
SIRIUS: I am emotionally unstable and kinda crazy. Plus my maturation has been completely stunted. WOOOOOOOOOO!
REMUS: Even if I were so obsessed with my childhood that I wanted to pursue a romantic relationship with my only link to the past, I wouldn't do it with this guy.
SIRIUS: Woooooooooo!
Part the Fourth: The Second War
REMUS: Fucksocks, this sucks.
SIRIUS: *iz ded*
HARRY/SNAPE
SNAPE: I just vomitted into my mouth.
HARRY: *throws DRACO out a window*
LUCIUS/NARCISSA
LUCIUS: I love you, darling.
NARCISSA: I love you too, darling.
*They are IN LOVE and FABULOUS and FABULOUSLY IN LOVE*
LUCIUS: What if I were to tell you that I wanted to hit or sleep with our son?
NARCISSA: Well, darling, I would probably make your life a living hell for doing something that would rip our family apart.
LUCIUS: Ha-ha, it is good that I am joking and would never think of doing that!
NARCISSA: That it is!
*they are DELICIOUSLY EVIL but still IN LOVE*
I want to do more, but am too tired now. Also, I ran out of pairings.
I love the word "Chav". It is an awesome word. Why can't we have cool words like that in North America?
EDIT RACECAR BLING BLING KEN JENNINGS:
anaid_rabbit requests Logan/Veronica from Veronica Mars:
LOGAN: *snark*
VERONICA: *snark*
LOGAN: *snide*
VERONICA: *retort*
*Somehow, they GET ALONG*
LOGAN: *snark*
VERONICA: *snarky snark*
*They KISS. It is AWKWARD because LILLY'S FREAKIN' CORPSE is hanging metaphorically between them.*
LOGAN: This is the part with the "I Have Horrible Family Problems" comfort sex, yes?
VERONICA: No. *solves a mystery*
LOGAN: What about the "I lost my virginity to roofies" healing sex?
VERONICA: No. *solves a mystery*
LOGAN: So this must be the part where we go back to being delightfully awkward and snarky together.
VERONICA: Thank you for for finally joining us here back on Planet Neptune!
DEPUTY LEO: *totally killed Lilly*
EDIT 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO
HARRY/SNAPE:
Version the First:
JAMES POTTER: I have no son.
Version the Second:
DUMBLEDORE: I am going to lock you two in a dungeon for six months. For, uh... stuff. Occlumency, Dark Magic, I guess. LET THE HEALING COMMENCE!
SNAPE: Oh, fucksocks.
HARRY: *attempts to throw DRACO out a window, only to be FOILED by the lack of both DRACO and WINDOWS*
SIX MONTHS: *has passed*
SNAPE: Well, Potter, you've mastered Occlumency, all forms of Dark Arts, unlocked your hidden talent for wandless magic, attained the patience to become a potions master like myself, and managed to not kill yourself or me. What shall we do now?
HARRY: Hungry Hungry Hippos?
DUMBLEDORE: Have you released your sexual frustrations on each other yet?
SNAPE: You're disgustingly unqualified for your job. I would even go so far to say that no child is safe in your presence.
HARRY: *totally wins at Hungry Hungry Hippos*
RON/HERMIONE:
HERMIONE: *turns into Molly*
RON: *turns into Arthur*
KARGRORE, DEMON OF FIRE AND PAIN: Huzzah, my unnecessarily complicated evil plan to reincarnate my evilness through multiple generations is working!
So there I was, perusing a dishrag and reading about the latest antics of Britney, Justin, et al. I thought to myself, ‘Joe, don’t some of these people remind you of the characters from the Harry Potter books?’ I’m sure it happens to some of you. It doesn’t? Oh. Well, it’s happened to me and thus, you are the lucky recipients of this latest bout of banality.
**********
Albus = revered by many as a god; his devoted followers even form groups that have his unmistakable stamp on them, with names like Dumbledore’s Army and Order of the Phoenix = Jerry Garcia
Angelina, Alicia and Katie = modern chicks who make quite an impression collectively but are disposable when separated from each other = Scary, Sporty and Baby Spice
Arabella = shrill, excitable lady who gives her all = Patti LaBelle
Argus = delights in posing as a bad-ass but has no talent whatsoever to back him up = Marilyn Manson
Arthur = solid, dependable, socially conscious and very prolific = Bono
Bellatrix = dark, moody creepella who stays true to her calling = Siouxsie Sioux
Bill = cool charmer strutting around in a very dated rebel get-up = Dave Gahan
Blaise = raises a lot of gender questions = RuPaul
Cedric = emo heartthrob who croaked way before his time = Elliot Smith
Charlie = talented young man with a propensity for fiery, incendiary things = Jimi Hendrix
Cho = overwrought, overemotional, over-the-top drama queen = Mariah Carey
Crabbe and Goyle = a pair of formidable thugs = Jay Z and 50cent
Dean = really laid-back, with tons of artistic ability = Snoop Doggy Dog
Dolores = a diva with a very bitchy demeanor and impossible demands = Whitney Houston
Draco = perennial also-ran who really wouldn’t be anybody if not for his father’s nepotism = Jakob Dylan
Dudley = avaricious twit whose greed is limitless = Paul McCartney
Fleur = blond strumpet with a younger sibling who is following in her footsteps; develops a mystifying respectability = Jessica Simpson
Flitwick = despite his stature, charm is in no short supply for him = Clay Aiken
Fred and George = brothers whose fraternal antics are a source of comic distraction = Noel and Liam Gallagher
Fudge = close-minded man trapped in a mental time warp; resistant to change since his head seems to be stuck up his ass = Wayne Newton
Gilderoy = took credit for other people’s works until he finally gets exposed as a fraud = either member of Milli Vanilli
Ginny = vapid slut who jumps from one man to another; inspires questions of “did she or didn’t she?” = Britney Spears
Hagrid = flashy, hard to miss man with a special affinity for children = Gary Glitter
Harry = very talented young man with limitless grudges on whose every action the whole world seems to revolve around = Eminem
Hermione = very adaptable to whatever situation she’s in, always coming up with ways that put her in the best possible light = JLo
Hooch = butch and bossy, she excels in a male-dominated field = Melissa Etheridge
James = his immense talent was squandered with his accidental death; had a habit of showing off, um, said talent = Jim Morrison
Kingsley = smooth, mysterious, mellow and very secretive = R Kelly
Lavender and Parvati = giggly, fashion-conscious, boy-hungry airheads = Hillary Duff and Lindsay Lohan
Lily = at the height of her abilities, suffered a tragic demise = Janis Joplin
Lucius = wealthy and ostentatious, with numerous connections and ventures; loves to show off his bling, like his pimp cane and his house elf = P Diddy
Luna = unconventional kook marching to the beat of her own drum, not giving a damn about what people think = Bjork
Marcus = macho troglodyte who indulges in very repulsive behavior = Fred Durst
Maxime = larger-than-life Frenchwoman with a commanding presence = Edith Piaf
Millicent = no-nonsense girl who won’t take shit from anybody = Avril Lavigne
Minerva = she’s talented and influential, serving as an inspiration to folks everywhere = Joni Mitchell
Molly = warm and coddling, she can also be smothering and shrewish = Bette Midler
Moody = with his differences, is looked at as super-freaky by some; even spent some time locked up somewhere = Rick James
Narcissa = cool and unflappable, she can be a real force to reckon with = Debbie Harry
Neville = often derided and indistinguishable from the pack but has proven himself to be a major contender lately = Justin Timberlake
Oliver = built and muscular, with a tendency towards earnest over-enthusiasm = D’Angelo
Pansy = though she may seem like a whiny twit at times, she’s a real bitch with a mean streak = Courtney Love
Percy = brilliant and opinionated prig who is too full of himself lately = Prince
Peter = once popular but disappeared from the scene, only to reemerge when he got busted because of a questionable act = George Michael
Petunia = surprisingly complicated woman whose initial one-dimensionality was replaced with varying degrees of depth = Agnetha Faltskog
Poppy = with her calm and soothing influence, she can make people snooze = Enya
Quirrel = women’s accessories wearer who gives people the wrong impression = Boy George
Remus = angst-filled, morose bugger who is part of a group, loses that group, and then goes at it alone; seemingly doomed to forever have unfortunate things happen to him = Morrissey
Rita = sensationalistic and ambitious, she squanders her talent and position in favor of furthering her own shallow goals = Christina Aguilera
Roger = apparently useless pretty boy = Robbie Williams
Ron = totally ordinary young man who tends to get overshadowed by those around him = Josh Groban
Rosmerta = woman of a certain age who doesn’t look like a woman of a certain age = Cher
Seamus = pretty normal but sometimes has trouble discerning good from bad = Jack White
Severus = errs on the wrong side, repents and finds redemption; is now a member of an Order made up of dysfunctional people = Ozzy Osbourne
Sirius = started out very promising but a series of unfortunate events sent his life on a downward spiral from which he never recovered = Sid Vicious
Sprout = unkempt and frumpy, she is nevertheless a big influence = Mama Cass
Sybill = lightly regarded by her critics but shows occasional flashes of brilliance = Olivia Newton John
Tonks = can reinvent herself to adapt to the mores of the situation = Madonna
Vernon = blah non-entity who seemingly marries above his meager station in life = Chris Martin
Viktor = dark, swarthy and world famous, he makes women swoon despite some obvious physical blemishes = Enrique Iglesias
Voldemort = prodigy who started out fabulously but got increasingly demented, undergoing various physical identities until he’s virtually unrecognizable; still talented, has been buzzed about a lot lately in regards to a young boy = Michael Jackson
Or, 'How Draco Was Redeemed and Harry Consequently Debauched Him All Over Hogwarts'
Draco: *wanders halls of Hogwarts like little angsty cutie-pie*
Harry: *ambles in all sweaty-like from Quiddich practice*
Draco: Potter! You must help me!
Harry: WTF?
Draco: I have renounced my evil ways! I have realized how wrong I have been all these years! I shall no longer call your friends names! I even threw my father's signet ring in the lake! Fie upon him! Fie I say! I MUST BE REDEEMED. AND STUFF. AND ALSO I NOW UNEXPLAINABLY FIND YOU REALLY REALLY HOT.
Harry: WTF?
Draco: *macks on Harry*
Harry: *is sexy yet naive*
The first kiss...
Draco: Pott--I mean Harry. Have you thought about what I said?
Harry: What, about you not being evil anymore?
Draco: And also about you being incredibly fit.
Harry: Er. Yes, I have thought about it. And I have decided I WILL HELP SHIELD YOU FROM YOUR CRUEL CRUEL FAMILY, DRA--MALFOY. For I am a kind, kind person who simply cannot say no, due to my horrific hero complex.
Draco: And also, you have a nice bum. *leers*
Harry: *blushes*
Draco: I am going to kiss you now to show my gratitude.
Harry: OMG NO WE ARE MOVING TOO FAST! You're afraid, and I do not want to take advantage of you!
Draco: Fuck that shit, dude. *snogs*
Harry: Woo-hoo.
Over the next few months...
Harry and Draco, in the darkest back corner of the library: *go at it*
...aaand on top of the Astronomy Tower: *have it off*
...aaand in the Potions room: *shag like bunnies*
...aaand under Ron's bed: *engage in sexual congress, and etc*
Draco, alone in his room: My darling, I have not seen you in nine whole minutes! I miss you and am thinking of you! Our desire for each other is disgusting to some, but they are blind because YOU ARE MY WORLD. *weeps with emotion, tosses one off, falls asleep dreaming of skipping through a field of flowers with his One True Love*
Harry, alone in his room: *angsts* What to do WHAT TO DO! Draco--I meant MALFOY--is a fabulous lay AND YET I HAVE DOUBTS. Oh Draco, would you ever betray me? I do not know! MY HEART WANTS TO BELIEEEEEEEVE YOUUUUU WOE. *tosses one off because he is seventeen and interminably randy*
The confession of love, in the Quiddich showers...
Draco: Oh Harry! Tonight you made me come seventeen times, one for every wretched year I have spent on this earth, blind to the truth! Except I think the last time was a cosmic explosion of love and deep understanding.
Harry: OMG! Never before in the history of the world has that happened to anyone!
Draco: Harry, I LOVE YOU!
Harry: *freaks out*
Draco: No, it's okay, for we are made for each other! (A/N: OMG OTP!!!)
Harry: OKAY! I LOVE YOU TOO!
Draco: Now there is something I have to tell you. My father, Harry...he...*weeps*
Harry: OH NO! DID THAT BASTARD ABUSE YOU? I WILL KILL HIM, MY LOVE!
Draco: Yes he did. He is a bad man, Harry.
Harry: *consoles* Oh no! Have our hours of hot, hot lovin' traumatized you? I do not wish to cause you pain or make the horrendous memories resurface!
Draco: Of course not Harry! You have restored my belief in love!
Harry: Hot stuff, yo.
Draco and Harry: *make love (because it is not just sex anymore, OH NO!) wherein Harry breaches Draco's velvety channel with tender care, and Draco weeps for the profundity of emotion and also thrashes about and screams in pleasure yadda yadda*
In the Gryffindor common room...
Hermione: Harry, I saw you and Malfoy in the hall, like, totally making out. Not that I was spying. Of course not. I was on my way back from the library. And I didn't think it was hot. At all. I am going to offer you motherly advice now, because that's what I do. Harry, I'm your friend and I'm here to tell you that you can't do this! He's evil!
Ginny: And also because YOU ARE MINE.
Harry: ...What?
Ginny: ...Um.
Harry: 'Mione, he's not evil! He has renounced the evil ways of his family. He has turned to our side, and will help us fight, because clearly he is so brave!
Hermione: Harry, it's a trap! They're using him as a ploy to gain your trust and then he will turn you in to the Death Eaters!
Ron: *wanders in*
Harry: NO! I LOVE HIM! DRA--MALFOY AND I ARE GOING TO RUN AWAY TOGETHER TO THE RIVIERA WHERE WE SHALL SING "ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE" AND DRINK COSMOPOLITANS TILL THE END OF OUR DAYS.
Ron: WTF?! *faints*
Ginny: NOOOOOOOO.
Hermione: Well, if you MUST. Because it is my job to be your one understanding friend. And not to find it hot. At all.
Seamus and Dean, from out of nowhere: Harry, you're gay? OMG awesome! Now we have someone to go to Celine Dion concerts with!
Soon thereafter...
Mary Sue: *wanders in* Hello, my name is Jasmine Ambrosia Heather Raven Tiffani Rayne. And I have purple hair and eyes green as emeralds. (A/N: OMG SHE IS LIKE SOOO GORGEOUS AND STUFF!!) I had to transfer from Beauxbatons, where all the girls hated me because I was beautiful and all the dudes tried to take advantage of my most generous nature. But I have extraordinary and unusual magical powers and was able to fend them off. And yet HERE I AM. UNEXPLAINABLY.
Harry: OMG! *lusts because he is bisexual, although this was never mentioned until now, and yet is suddenly crucial to the plot*
Draco: *is jealous* Harry, don't you see! She is trying to TEAR OUR LOVE ASUNDER!
Mary Sue: *tears love asunder while remaining innocent and beautiful* Oh Harry, I feel that you understand me as no-one has before! Let us run away together! We'll forget about this crazy place and be happy together OH SO VERY HAPPY.
Draco: *weeps*
Harry: *is sexy yet naive*
Draco: But Harry! Think of all we've meant to each other! And all the really hot shagging! And of how I renounced my father to be REDEEMED! OH THE REDEMPTION DOES IT MEAN NOTHING TO YOU?!
Harry: Jasmine Ambrosia Heather Raven Tiffani Rayne, I'm sorry, but I must reject your offer because I AM IN LOVE WITH THIS MAN.
Draco and Harry: *snog passionately in front of everyone*
Mary Sue: OMG that's like so hot, and stuff.
Everyone else: Yeah, whatever. *go to class*
Later, in a post-coital haze of bliss...
Draco: Harry, there's something we should discuss. I want to be with you forever and ever, and...
Harry: Draco. My love. My dragon. My sweet, sweet piece of ass. Say no more.
Draco: OMG! You are going to reject my love aren't you?! You think I'm working for the Death Eaters to turn you in but I would never do that! And also, when you spank me it drives me out of my mind with lust!
Harry: ...What?
Draco: ...Um.
Harry: *takes out a small red velvet box from the bedside stand* Draco...I know we're only seventeen and stuff, but like, I totally dig you, baby. Will you marry me?
Draco: Oh Harry, of course I will!
Harry and Draco: *kiss, with lots of tongue*
Ron, somewhere, sensing something is horribly amiss: *faints*
- No, today is the tech rehearsal, we'll re-work that scene later.
- I think the scene changes are too fast.
- Of course I think that we'll be ready in time for opening.
- The crew? Why they're just wonderful!
- No thanks, I don't drink.
BY THE STAGE MANAGER:
- It looks as though there'll be time for a third dress rehearsal.
- Take your time getting back from break.
- We've been ready for hours.
- No, I called that perfectly the first time - let's move on.
- The headsets are working perfectly.
- The orchestra has no complaints.
- The whole company is standing by whenever you want them.
- That didn't take long.
- No thanks, I don't drink.
BY THE DESIGNERS:
- Of course all of my drawings were turned in on time.
- Yes, it absolutely is my fault that the set looks awful.
- You know, you might have a point there.
- The director knows best, obviously I wasn't giving him what he wanted.
- We have too many gel colors in stock, I can't choose.
- The shop will have the costumes ready on time.
- No thanks, I don't drink.
BY THE TECHNICAL DIRECTOR:
- This is the most complete and informative set of drawings I've ever seen.
- We built it right the first time.
- No problem, I'll deal with that right away.
- I love designers.
- No thanks, I don't drink.
BY THE ACTOR:
- Don't...Let's not talk about me.
- I really think my big scene should be cut.
- This costume is SO comfortable.
- I love my shoes.
- No problem, I can do that for myself.
- I have a fantastic agent.
- Let me stand down here with my back to the audience.
- I'm sure someone told me there was a wall there, I just forgot.
- Without the crew the show would never run - let's thank them.
- No thanks, I don't drink.
BY THE STAGE CREW:
- There's room for that over here.
- We'll get in early tomorrow to do it.
- No, no. I'm sure that is our job.
- Anything I can do to help?
- All the tools are carefully locked away.
- Can we do that scene change again please?
- It's a marvelous show.
- I don't need this many on the crew.
- No thanks, I don't drink.
Stage Management 10 Commandments
I. Thou shalt not take the stage manager in vain, for without him/her, no spike tape will be placed, nor will cues be given on time.
II. Thou shalt take all notes in pencil, for as surely as the winds blow, so shall the director change his/her mind.
III. Keep reverence for the first performance, for afterwards thou shalt party.
IV. Honor thy costume designer, for in being rude, thine costume will become like that of a porcupine.
V. Thou shalt not talk to crew or actors when backstage, for surely both will miss the cue.
VI. Thou shalt not walk in the direct path of moving scenery, for surely you shall be crushed.
VII. Thou shalt always return thy prop to the proper prop table after its use, or thy prop will not be there for thy next performance.
VIII. Thou shalt not go on stage after "half-hour" has been called and the House has been opened, for surely the audience will see thee before thy time. Likewise, thou shalt reserve thyself from returning to the stage until the House is clear, but instead go to the Lobby to see thy friends.
IX. Thou shalt make haste to be in place when "Places" has been called, for surely the stage manager will tear about in fury till you are there.
X. Thou shalt not miss thy cue or take it before its time.
-
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13.02.2007 в 19:56CooCooCthulhu Presents: Fanfiction!
HARRY/HERMIONE
HERMIONE: *incoherent harpy screeching*
HARRY: *angst*
HERMIONE: Dumbledore would look favorably upon our potential couplings!
HARRY: You have pretty boobies.
HARRY/DRACO
DRACO: *vaguely racist remarks*
HARRY: *chucks DRACO out nearby window*
FANS: SUBTEXT!
HERMIONE/SNAPE
SNAPE: Granger, you are smart. I would like to use your gigantic brain, not breasts, brain, to help me with IMPORTANT POTIONS RESEARCH.
HERMIONE: Okie dokie *harpy screech*.
IMPORTANT POTIONS RESEARCH: I just destroyed all forms of Wizarding Racism, cured Lupin, and can turn any object into an adorable kitten!
HERMIONE: Professor, I'm really glad this didn't get awkward. Thank you for not trying to sleep with me!
SNAPE: The feeling is completely mutual.
BOTH: *go their separate ways*
SIRIUS/REMUS
Part the First: High School
REMUS: Boy howdy do I like having friends!
SIRIUS: *is clearly more interested in James and torturing Snape*
REMUS: Golly-gee, Lily sure is a nice girl!
Part the Second: The First War
SIRIUS: Remus, you're a werewolf, and smart and quiet and can be somewhat shifty. Also, Voldemort is possibly recruiting those like you. No offense, but it's hard to trust anyone at this point in time.
REMUS: S'alright. I can't say I don't understand, since I don't trust you either. It's the whole "I'm apart of one of the most affluent Dark Wizarding Families Evar" thing.
SIRIUS: K.
Part the Third: Thirteen to Fifteen Years Later
REMUS: Well, not much has changed. I still have a friend who is a victim, and a friend who is a traitor. Man, people suck.
SIRIUS: I am emotionally unstable and kinda crazy. Plus my maturation has been completely stunted. WOOOOOOOOOO!
REMUS: Even if I were so obsessed with my childhood that I wanted to pursue a romantic relationship with my only link to the past, I wouldn't do it with this guy.
SIRIUS: Woooooooooo!
Part the Fourth: The Second War
REMUS: Fucksocks, this sucks.
SIRIUS: *iz ded*
HARRY/SNAPE
SNAPE: I just vomitted into my mouth.
HARRY: *throws DRACO out a window*
LUCIUS/NARCISSA
LUCIUS: I love you, darling.
NARCISSA: I love you too, darling.
*They are IN LOVE and FABULOUS and FABULOUSLY IN LOVE*
LUCIUS: What if I were to tell you that I wanted to hit or sleep with our son?
NARCISSA: Well, darling, I would probably make your life a living hell for doing something that would rip our family apart.
LUCIUS: Ha-ha, it is good that I am joking and would never think of doing that!
NARCISSA: That it is!
*they are DELICIOUSLY EVIL but still IN LOVE*
I want to do more, but am too tired now. Also, I ran out of pairings.
I love the word "Chav". It is an awesome word. Why can't we have cool words like that in North America?
EDIT RACECAR BLING BLING KEN JENNINGS:
anaid_rabbit requests Logan/Veronica from Veronica Mars:
LOGAN: *snark*
VERONICA: *snark*
LOGAN: *snide*
VERONICA: *retort*
*Somehow, they GET ALONG*
LOGAN: *snark*
VERONICA: *snarky snark*
*They KISS. It is AWKWARD because LILLY'S FREAKIN' CORPSE is hanging metaphorically between them.*
LOGAN: This is the part with the "I Have Horrible Family Problems" comfort sex, yes?
VERONICA: No. *solves a mystery*
LOGAN: What about the "I lost my virginity to roofies" healing sex?
VERONICA: No. *solves a mystery*
LOGAN: So this must be the part where we go back to being delightfully awkward and snarky together.
VERONICA: Thank you for for finally joining us here back on Planet Neptune!
DEPUTY LEO: *totally killed Lilly*
EDIT 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO
HARRY/SNAPE:
Version the First:
JAMES POTTER: I have no son.
Version the Second:
DUMBLEDORE: I am going to lock you two in a dungeon for six months. For, uh... stuff. Occlumency, Dark Magic, I guess. LET THE HEALING COMMENCE!
SNAPE: Oh, fucksocks.
HARRY: *attempts to throw DRACO out a window, only to be FOILED by the lack of both DRACO and WINDOWS*
SIX MONTHS: *has passed*
SNAPE: Well, Potter, you've mastered Occlumency, all forms of Dark Arts, unlocked your hidden talent for wandless magic, attained the patience to become a potions master like myself, and managed to not kill yourself or me. What shall we do now?
HARRY: Hungry Hungry Hippos?
DUMBLEDORE: Have you released your sexual frustrations on each other yet?
SNAPE: You're disgustingly unqualified for your job. I would even go so far to say that no child is safe in your presence.
HARRY: *totally wins at Hungry Hungry Hippos*
RON/HERMIONE:
HERMIONE: *turns into Molly*
RON: *turns into Arthur*
KARGRORE, DEMON OF FIRE AND PAIN: Huzzah, my unnecessarily complicated evil plan to reincarnate my evilness through multiple generations is working!
*RON and HERMIONE have a child*
CHILD: *harpy screech*
*And the cycle begins again*
This post will now be updated at random.
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13.02.2007 в 19:57Harry Potter: Pop Star?
So there I was, perusing a dishrag and reading about the latest antics of Britney, Justin, et al. I thought to myself, ‘Joe, don’t some of these people remind you of the characters from the Harry Potter books?’ I’m sure it happens to some of you. It doesn’t? Oh. Well, it’s happened to me and thus, you are the lucky recipients of this latest bout of banality.
**********
Albus = revered by many as a god; his devoted followers even form groups that have his unmistakable stamp on them, with names like Dumbledore’s Army and Order of the Phoenix = Jerry Garcia
Angelina, Alicia and Katie = modern chicks who make quite an impression collectively but are disposable when separated from each other = Scary, Sporty and Baby Spice
Arabella = shrill, excitable lady who gives her all = Patti LaBelle
Argus = delights in posing as a bad-ass but has no talent whatsoever to back him up = Marilyn Manson
Arthur = solid, dependable, socially conscious and very prolific = Bono
Bellatrix = dark, moody creepella who stays true to her calling = Siouxsie Sioux
Bill = cool charmer strutting around in a very dated rebel get-up = Dave Gahan
Blaise = raises a lot of gender questions = RuPaul
Cedric = emo heartthrob who croaked way before his time = Elliot Smith
Charlie = talented young man with a propensity for fiery, incendiary things = Jimi Hendrix
Cho = overwrought, overemotional, over-the-top drama queen = Mariah Carey
Crabbe and Goyle = a pair of formidable thugs = Jay Z and 50cent
Dean = really laid-back, with tons of artistic ability = Snoop Doggy Dog
Dolores = a diva with a very bitchy demeanor and impossible demands = Whitney Houston
Draco = perennial also-ran who really wouldn’t be anybody if not for his father’s nepotism = Jakob Dylan
Dudley = avaricious twit whose greed is limitless = Paul McCartney
Fleur = blond strumpet with a younger sibling who is following in her footsteps; develops a mystifying respectability = Jessica Simpson
Flitwick = despite his stature, charm is in no short supply for him = Clay Aiken
Fred and George = brothers whose fraternal antics are a source of comic distraction = Noel and Liam Gallagher
Fudge = close-minded man trapped in a mental time warp; resistant to change since his head seems to be stuck up his ass = Wayne Newton
Gilderoy = took credit for other people’s works until he finally gets exposed as a fraud = either member of Milli Vanilli
Ginny = vapid slut who jumps from one man to another; inspires questions of “did she or didn’t she?” = Britney Spears
Hagrid = flashy, hard to miss man with a special affinity for children = Gary Glitter
Harry = very talented young man with limitless grudges on whose every action the whole world seems to revolve around = Eminem
Hermione = very adaptable to whatever situation she’s in, always coming up with ways that put her in the best possible light = JLo
Hooch = butch and bossy, she excels in a male-dominated field = Melissa Etheridge
James = his immense talent was squandered with his accidental death; had a habit of showing off, um, said talent = Jim Morrison
Kingsley = smooth, mysterious, mellow and very secretive = R Kelly
Lavender and Parvati = giggly, fashion-conscious, boy-hungry airheads = Hillary Duff and Lindsay Lohan
Lily = at the height of her abilities, suffered a tragic demise = Janis Joplin
Lucius = wealthy and ostentatious, with numerous connections and ventures; loves to show off his bling, like his pimp cane and his house elf = P Diddy
Luna = unconventional kook marching to the beat of her own drum, not giving a damn about what people think = Bjork
Marcus = macho troglodyte who indulges in very repulsive behavior = Fred Durst
Maxime = larger-than-life Frenchwoman with a commanding presence = Edith Piaf
Millicent = no-nonsense girl who won’t take shit from anybody = Avril Lavigne
Minerva = she’s talented and influential, serving as an inspiration to folks everywhere = Joni Mitchell
Molly = warm and coddling, she can also be smothering and shrewish = Bette Midler
Moody = with his differences, is looked at as super-freaky by some; even spent some time locked up somewhere = Rick James
Narcissa = cool and unflappable, she can be a real force to reckon with = Debbie Harry
Neville = often derided and indistinguishable from the pack but has proven himself to be a major contender lately = Justin Timberlake
Oliver = built and muscular, with a tendency towards earnest over-enthusiasm = D’Angelo
Pansy = though she may seem like a whiny twit at times, she’s a real bitch with a mean streak = Courtney Love
Percy = brilliant and opinionated prig who is too full of himself lately = Prince
Peter = once popular but disappeared from the scene, only to reemerge when he got busted because of a questionable act = George Michael
Petunia = surprisingly complicated woman whose initial one-dimensionality was replaced with varying degrees of depth = Agnetha Faltskog
Poppy = with her calm and soothing influence, she can make people snooze = Enya
Quirrel = women’s accessories wearer who gives people the wrong impression = Boy George
Remus = angst-filled, morose bugger who is part of a group, loses that group, and then goes at it alone; seemingly doomed to forever have unfortunate things happen to him = Morrissey
Rita = sensationalistic and ambitious, she squanders her talent and position in favor of furthering her own shallow goals = Christina Aguilera
Roger = apparently useless pretty boy = Robbie Williams
Ron = totally ordinary young man who tends to get overshadowed by those around him = Josh Groban
Rosmerta = woman of a certain age who doesn’t look like a woman of a certain age = Cher
Seamus = pretty normal but sometimes has trouble discerning good from bad = Jack White
Severus = errs on the wrong side, repents and finds redemption; is now a member of an Order made up of dysfunctional people = Ozzy Osbourne
Sirius = started out very promising but a series of unfortunate events sent his life on a downward spiral from which he never recovered = Sid Vicious
Sprout = unkempt and frumpy, she is nevertheless a big influence = Mama Cass
Sybill = lightly regarded by her critics but shows occasional flashes of brilliance = Olivia Newton John
Tonks = can reinvent herself to adapt to the mores of the situation = Madonna
Vernon = blah non-entity who seemingly marries above his meager station in life = Chris Martin
Viktor = dark, swarthy and world famous, he makes women swoon despite some obvious physical blemishes = Enrique Iglesias
Voldemort = prodigy who started out fabulously but got increasingly demented, undergoing various physical identities until he’s virtually unrecognizable; still talented, has been buzzed about a lot lately in regards to a young boy = Michael Jackson
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13.02.2007 в 19:58A Forbidden Love
Or, 'How Draco Was Redeemed and Harry Consequently Debauched Him All Over Hogwarts'
Draco: *wanders halls of Hogwarts like little angsty cutie-pie*
Harry: *ambles in all sweaty-like from Quiddich practice*
Draco: Potter! You must help me!
Harry: WTF?
Draco: I have renounced my evil ways! I have realized how wrong I have been all these years! I shall no longer call your friends names! I even threw my father's signet ring in the lake! Fie upon him! Fie I say! I MUST BE REDEEMED. AND STUFF. AND ALSO I NOW UNEXPLAINABLY FIND YOU REALLY REALLY HOT.
Harry: WTF?
Draco: *macks on Harry*
Harry: *is sexy yet naive*
The first kiss...
Draco: Pott--I mean Harry. Have you thought about what I said?
Harry: What, about you not being evil anymore?
Draco: And also about you being incredibly fit.
Harry: Er. Yes, I have thought about it. And I have decided I WILL HELP SHIELD YOU FROM YOUR CRUEL CRUEL FAMILY, DRA--MALFOY. For I am a kind, kind person who simply cannot say no, due to my horrific hero complex.
Draco: And also, you have a nice bum. *leers*
Harry: *blushes*
Draco: I am going to kiss you now to show my gratitude.
Harry: OMG NO WE ARE MOVING TOO FAST! You're afraid, and I do not want to take advantage of you!
Draco: Fuck that shit, dude. *snogs*
Harry: Woo-hoo.
Over the next few months...
Harry and Draco, in the darkest back corner of the library: *go at it*
...aaand on top of the Astronomy Tower: *have it off*
...aaand in the Potions room: *shag like bunnies*
...aaand under Ron's bed: *engage in sexual congress, and etc*
Draco, alone in his room: My darling, I have not seen you in nine whole minutes! I miss you and am thinking of you! Our desire for each other is disgusting to some, but they are blind because YOU ARE MY WORLD. *weeps with emotion, tosses one off, falls asleep dreaming of skipping through a field of flowers with his One True Love*
Harry, alone in his room: *angsts* What to do WHAT TO DO! Draco--I meant MALFOY--is a fabulous lay AND YET I HAVE DOUBTS. Oh Draco, would you ever betray me? I do not know! MY HEART WANTS TO BELIEEEEEEEVE YOUUUUU WOE. *tosses one off because he is seventeen and interminably randy*
The confession of love, in the Quiddich showers...
Draco: Oh Harry! Tonight you made me come seventeen times, one for every wretched year I have spent on this earth, blind to the truth! Except I think the last time was a cosmic explosion of love and deep understanding.
Harry: OMG! Never before in the history of the world has that happened to anyone!
Draco: Harry, I LOVE YOU!
Harry: *freaks out*
Draco: No, it's okay, for we are made for each other! (A/N: OMG OTP!!!)
Harry: OKAY! I LOVE YOU TOO!
Draco: Now there is something I have to tell you. My father, Harry...he...*weeps*
Harry: OH NO! DID THAT BASTARD ABUSE YOU? I WILL KILL HIM, MY LOVE!
Draco: Yes he did. He is a bad man, Harry.
Harry: *consoles* Oh no! Have our hours of hot, hot lovin' traumatized you? I do not wish to cause you pain or make the horrendous memories resurface!
Draco: Of course not Harry! You have restored my belief in love!
Harry: Hot stuff, yo.
Draco and Harry: *make love (because it is not just sex anymore, OH NO!) wherein Harry breaches Draco's velvety channel with tender care, and Draco weeps for the profundity of emotion and also thrashes about and screams in pleasure yadda yadda*
In the Gryffindor common room...
Hermione: Harry, I saw you and Malfoy in the hall, like, totally making out. Not that I was spying. Of course not. I was on my way back from the library. And I didn't think it was hot. At all. I am going to offer you motherly advice now, because that's what I do. Harry, I'm your friend and I'm here to tell you that you can't do this! He's evil!
Ginny: And also because YOU ARE MINE.
Harry: ...What?
Ginny: ...Um.
Harry: 'Mione, he's not evil! He has renounced the evil ways of his family. He has turned to our side, and will help us fight, because clearly he is so brave!
Hermione: Harry, it's a trap! They're using him as a ploy to gain your trust and then he will turn you in to the Death Eaters!
Ron: *wanders in*
Harry: NO! I LOVE HIM! DRA--MALFOY AND I ARE GOING TO RUN AWAY TOGETHER TO THE RIVIERA WHERE WE SHALL SING "ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE" AND DRINK COSMOPOLITANS TILL THE END OF OUR DAYS.
Ron: WTF?! *faints*
Ginny: NOOOOOOOO.
Hermione: Well, if you MUST. Because it is my job to be your one understanding friend. And not to find it hot. At all.
Seamus and Dean, from out of nowhere: Harry, you're gay? OMG awesome! Now we have someone to go to Celine Dion concerts with!
Soon thereafter...
Mary Sue: *wanders in* Hello, my name is Jasmine Ambrosia Heather Raven Tiffani Rayne. And I have purple hair and eyes green as emeralds. (A/N: OMG SHE IS LIKE SOOO GORGEOUS AND STUFF!!) I had to transfer from Beauxbatons, where all the girls hated me because I was beautiful and all the dudes tried to take advantage of my most generous nature. But I have extraordinary and unusual magical powers and was able to fend them off. And yet HERE I AM. UNEXPLAINABLY.
Harry: OMG! *lusts because he is bisexual, although this was never mentioned until now, and yet is suddenly crucial to the plot*
Draco: *is jealous* Harry, don't you see! She is trying to TEAR OUR LOVE ASUNDER!
Mary Sue: *tears love asunder while remaining innocent and beautiful* Oh Harry, I feel that you understand me as no-one has before! Let us run away together! We'll forget about this crazy place and be happy together OH SO VERY HAPPY.
Draco: *weeps*
Harry: *is sexy yet naive*
Draco: But Harry! Think of all we've meant to each other! And all the really hot shagging! And of how I renounced my father to be REDEEMED! OH THE REDEMPTION DOES IT MEAN NOTHING TO YOU?!
Harry: Jasmine Ambrosia Heather Raven Tiffani Rayne, I'm sorry, but I must reject your offer because I AM IN LOVE WITH THIS MAN.
Draco and Harry: *snog passionately in front of everyone*
Mary Sue: OMG that's like so hot, and stuff.
Everyone else: Yeah, whatever. *go to class*
Later, in a post-coital haze of bliss...
Draco: Harry, there's something we should discuss. I want to be with you forever and ever, and...
Harry: Draco. My love. My dragon. My sweet, sweet piece of ass. Say no more.
Draco: OMG! You are going to reject my love aren't you?! You think I'm working for the Death Eaters to turn you in but I would never do that! And also, when you spank me it drives me out of my mind with lust!
Harry: ...What?
Draco: ...Um.
Harry: *takes out a small red velvet box from the bedside stand* Draco...I know we're only seventeen and stuff, but like, I totally dig you, baby. Will you marry me?
Draco: Oh Harry, of course I will!
Harry and Draco: *kiss, with lots of tongue*
Ron, somewhere, sensing something is horribly amiss: *faints*
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13.02.2007 в 20:00- Of course there's enough money to go around.
- We have money left over.
- No thanks, I don't drink.
BY THE DIRECTOR:
- Wow, the designers were right on, weren't they?
- No, today is the tech rehearsal, we'll re-work that scene later.
- I think the scene changes are too fast.
- Of course I think that we'll be ready in time for opening.
- The crew? Why they're just wonderful!
- No thanks, I don't drink.
BY THE STAGE MANAGER:
- It looks as though there'll be time for a third dress rehearsal.
- Take your time getting back from break.
- We've been ready for hours.
- No, I called that perfectly the first time - let's move on.
- The headsets are working perfectly.
- The orchestra has no complaints.
- The whole company is standing by whenever you want them.
- That didn't take long.
- No thanks, I don't drink.
BY THE DESIGNERS:
- Of course all of my drawings were turned in on time.
- Yes, it absolutely is my fault that the set looks awful.
- You know, you might have a point there.
- The director knows best, obviously I wasn't giving him what he wanted.
- We have too many gel colors in stock, I can't choose.
- The shop will have the costumes ready on time.
- No thanks, I don't drink.
BY THE TECHNICAL DIRECTOR:
- This is the most complete and informative set of drawings I've ever seen.
- We built it right the first time.
- No problem, I'll deal with that right away.
- I love designers.
- No thanks, I don't drink.
BY THE ACTOR:
- Don't...Let's not talk about me.
- I really think my big scene should be cut.
- This costume is SO comfortable.
- I love my shoes.
- No problem, I can do that for myself.
- I have a fantastic agent.
- Let me stand down here with my back to the audience.
- I'm sure someone told me there was a wall there, I just forgot.
- Without the crew the show would never run - let's thank them.
- No thanks, I don't drink.
BY THE STAGE CREW:
- There's room for that over here.
- We'll get in early tomorrow to do it.
- No, no. I'm sure that is our job.
- Anything I can do to help?
- All the tools are carefully locked away.
- Can we do that scene change again please?
- It's a marvelous show.
- I don't need this many on the crew.
- No thanks, I don't drink.
Stage Management 10 Commandments
I. Thou shalt not take the stage manager in vain, for without him/her, no spike tape will be placed, nor will cues be given on time.
II. Thou shalt take all notes in pencil, for as surely as the winds blow, so shall the director change his/her mind.
III. Keep reverence for the first performance, for afterwards thou shalt party.
IV. Honor thy costume designer, for in being rude, thine costume will become like that of a porcupine.
V. Thou shalt not talk to crew or actors when backstage, for surely both will miss the cue.
VI. Thou shalt not walk in the direct path of moving scenery, for surely you shall be crushed.
VII. Thou shalt always return thy prop to the proper prop table after its use, or thy prop will not be there for thy next performance.
VIII. Thou shalt not go on stage after "half-hour" has been called and the House has been opened, for surely the audience will see thee before thy time. Likewise, thou shalt reserve thyself from returning to the stage until the House is clear, but instead go to the Lobby to see thy friends.
IX. Thou shalt make haste to be in place when "Places" has been called, for surely the stage manager will tear about in fury till you are there.
X. Thou shalt not miss thy cue or take it before its time.
*sigh*
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